Band of Bachelors: Alex, Book 2 Read online

  “You think it has to be a calling?”

  “It’s for guys who think of nothing else. I’m not that guy, Alex. I got Christy, the kids. But even before Christy was in the picture, I knew there would be someone, and I wasn’t sure I could put them behind my career.”

  That gave even more for Alex to think about.

  “Don’t let him force you, muscle you. Make sure it’s your decision. But you know, if you do it, give it everything you’ve got. You decide once. Everything else is execution.”

  “Thanks, Kyle. Appreciate it.”

  “One more thing. The new little lady. How tight are we there?”

  Alex smirked. “She’s pretty damned good for me, Kyle. But she’s focused, like we are. She has some goals to achieve before anything else can happen in her life. I wouldn’t want to be the one to get in the way of that.”

  “So, she’d be okay with it?”

  “Does it matter? I mean, I’ve heard some of the wives don’t take to it.”

  “No, they don’t. So will that be okay if that happens, Alex? Gotta know the answer to that question.”

  “I guess I better find out.”

  “Roger that. But don’t forget, it’s your decision. It’s not a democracy. You’re the one who knows whether or not you want it. And that better not be situational, Alex. You gotta love it no matter what.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Oh, and by the way, congratu­fuckin­lations! That’s awesome they asked you.”

  Over the course of the next couple of weeks, he’d wondered what Sydney would say if she knew he was considering this new assignment. Of course, he might wash out. Would she be okay with that?

  But then he kicked himself around the block a bit. Since when do you have to get permission from anyone when it comes to your career? Perhaps it was not a very good sign he was considering her opinion at all. He was an elite warrior, doing what most other men could never do. The last line of defense. Wasn’t that a higher calling?

  And then the doubts would begin flooding in. His old self was scolding him, just like Joanne or his mother would, asking how he could be so callused.

  Alex decided he needed to settle some things between himself and the other women in his life. He called and asked for a meeting at his mom’s house.

  Joanne looked pale and had lost weight. “You okay, sis?”

  “Of course I am.”

  She worked in a Catholic school that provided convent housing. He honored the fact that she had the will to be of service, putting her own needs behind the needs of others, but he knew she still harbored ill feelings for all the needling he’d done growing up. And he didn’t think she was happy, really happy.

  “Don’t get into it with your sister, Alex,” said his mom. “We all live in glass houses.”

  If there were two polar opposites, his mother and his sister would be at different ends of the scale. His mother was bright, attractive, highly opinionated, cynical and undisciplined. Her somewhat unconventional lifestyle had always bothered him. She didn’t surround herself with big thinkers, but she had a saint for a daughter. Alex felt that was a burden to her, a thorn in her side.

  “So what’s so big you have to call a meeting?” his mom said as she lit up her cigarette.

  “Mom!” squawked Joanne.

  “Oh, come on, you know I’ve been a smoker for over twenty years.”

  “I think what Joanne is saying is although it’s your habit, she has to inhale it too.” Alex knew his mother would find fault with this. He wasn’t wrong.

  “Oh, Christ!” She put her cigarette out without apologizing for the swearing either. Joanne rolled her eyes.

  “Well,” started Alex, “now we can see why we don’t get together much anymore.” He stood and paced in front of the women. Joanne was examining her hands in her lap.

  Alex knew the meeting was a waste of time. He was suddenly filled with regret for having called it. He didn’t want to talk about his invitation to try out for SEAL Team 6.

  “Just thought we should be more in touch,” he lied.

  “Which is code for you’ve met someone,” his mother said.

  “No, Mom. Well, yes, I have, but that wasn’t the reason I’m here.”

  “You don’t fool me one bit, Alex. So you’re going to dangle this little relationship in front of my nose? I’ve been asking you when you were going to get married for now—what—four years?”

  “Probably longer,” Joanne mumbled.

  “Ever since I was out of diapers.”

  His mom chuckled at that comment.

  Alex looked at the two of them seated on the purple velvet couch in his mother’s small living room. Like everything surrounding her, the room was filled with splashes of color so bright it nearly hurt his eyes. No wonder she’d never remarried. No one would be able to stand living here, he thought.

  He scratched the back of his neck. He hated being in these kinds of conversations. Sticky, undefined, everyone coming at him from different directions with motives he didn’t trust. If this was family life, he never wanted anything to do with that. He’d rather get his teeth drilled without Novocain than have to spend a significant amount of time around these two women.

  What the hell was I thinking?

  Sydney was just as strong-willed, but she was—spectacular. That was the word he’d used to describe her to other Team guys. And even in her spectacularness, his mother would get a royal charge out of her zombie and chocolate fetish. That would be something he’d actually like to see.

  His mother stood and came over to him. Putting her palm to his cheek, she began, “Alex, it’s not that hard. Her name is…?” She waited, her eyebrows tented up.

  He carefully peeled his mother’s hand away. “Her name is Sydney. She’s a beach volleyball player.”

  His mother smiled. “She wears those skimpy suits, all tanned and buttered up all the time.” Her eyes sparkled with glee.

  “Mother!” Alex shouted.

  Joanne scowled at him, then faced his mother. “What is the matter with you? Let him say it in his own way. You’re making him feel like an insect in a jar.”

  Alex was grateful his sister thought to stick up for him. “Like a camel spider,” he added.

  Both women looked up to him and said in unison, “What?”

  “I saw one over in Iraq. Ugly things. Look like potato bugs, you know with the funny legs and big blue-green bodies.” The women weren’t reacting, so he added, “My co-worker sat on one.”

  “You see, Joanne, if you let him talk, this is what he does.” His mother spoke to his sister like he wasn’t in the room. He hated that.

  Joanne looked up to him like she’d used to when they were kids. He saw a warmth there he hadn’t seen for many years. “I’m ready to listen, Alex, when you’re ready to talk about it. I’m not judging you. Just want you to know that.”

  “Thank you.” He meant it. “Her name is Sydney, as I’ve said. I like her a lot.” He opened his palms. “And there you have it. That’s what I came to say.”

  All the way home he felt like a shit. Confusion wasn’t natural for him. Only thing he knew to settle his nerves was to go for a skydive. Maybe his mother was right after all. All of them were freaks.

  It just seemed like he should tell someone he was seriously considering doing something so dangerous that most men turned it down. He wasn’t most men. His family wasn’t like most families, either.

  No, he knew who he needed to discuss this decision with. He’d been putting off the meeting, and now it was time. When he came back from Alaska he’d see her, and let her know how much he appreciated their time together.

  And then he’d end the relationship. He had no business asking anyone to wait for him or grieve when he was gone. Besides, he was just learning how to get over his childhood. And this would give Sydney time to pursue her dreams without the distraction of worrying about where he was and what he was doing.

  Now you’re justifying again, you asshole. Maybe
it was easier to commit to the SEALs than to a woman, even a spectacular woman like Sydney.

  He hoped the cold of Alaska would freeze that burden out of him permanently.

  Yup. Jumping out of an airplane at thirteen thousand feet today was sounding pretty good right now.

  Chapter 25

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  Sydney didn’t tell Carly about her pregnancy or the clinic appointment. She wanted unequivocal proof before she’d start talking about it with anyone. Faced with the choices she had to make, the decision whether or not to have the baby weighed heavily on her. She knew Alex would have a reaction and had a right to know. She knew it was the right thing to tell him, but she wasn’t sure what effect it would have on their relationship. How much should that weigh on her decision?

  And then, of course, was the issue of her AVP goals. That would also impact Carly. The Beach had stuck their neck out for her, giving her a safe space to train, to afford to live, to have whatever it was she wanted of her future goals. She told herself that included Alex, but this was totally not what she’d expected, having been on the pill.

  Now she understood the difficulties other single women had in making this decision. It was ultimately a decision she had to live with the rest of her life. While she was thrilled at the possibility of raising a child of Alex’s, it wasn’t right to do that without his input. And she’d always disliked the decision others made to terminate a pregnancy. She thought the decision would be an easy one for her, but now she knew the truth of it.

  The clinic was filled to bursting with pregnant women, usually alone, but occasionally with a mother or a boyfriend or husband. Some of the women were very young, not much older than the girls she worked with on her teams at the Beach.

  She tried not to study the faces of the girls waiting, as if the burden or the joy of their situation would somehow affect her.

  Her name was called by a hoarse woman in a lab coat covering blue jeans and a T-shirt. Suddenly, she felt guilty for not having waited to get a proper doctor’s appointment in a discreet, private office somewhere.

  But she wasn’t one to shirk her responsibilities. Pregnancy had been the least of her worries when they were having unprotected sex. She’d been stupid. Really stupid, she thought as she followed the woman to the exam room.

  “How far along are you?”

  “Not long. Less than a month.”

  She was directed toward a chair. “So you’ve missed one period?”

  “Oh my God. I didn’t even think of that. I play sports, and sometimes when I’m heavily training, like now, I don’t have one for several months.

  “You must be aware of the fact that nearly a third of all pregnancies terminate themselves in the first trimester, right?”

  “Yes, I think I knew that. I did the home test, and it came out positive. I repeated it again yesterday and the results were the same.”

  She answered a number of questions as the clerk went down the list of items on the form Sydney had filled out while waiting. She held her emotions inside and told herself she was here for the facts, that the decision didn’t have to be made today or even this week. She’d be out of contact with Alex for another week. She was hoping that time would point her in the right direction.

  “Any discharge, cramping?”

  “No.”

  “We’ll have to do a physical exam, but probably not today. You’re sure on the dates?”

  “Positive.”

  “Okay, let’s get the blood test done. I’ll need a urine sample too.”

  She was given a plastic cup and shown the way to the bathroom. The clerk had her wait while she dipped the test strip into her urine. It came out bright blue.

  “That would be a yes,” the woman said.

  They made plans for a follow-up visit. Sydney was given a packet of information on the services they provided at the clinic. “So you can make an informed decision. I’m required to give you all of this, even if you’re going to go through with having the baby. And we have counselors’ phone numbers on the backside here and other resources too, all listed.”

  She thanked the clerk, took her packet and her appointment card and walked out through the waiting room without looking at a soul. The outcome was what she’d expected. She was waiting for her emotions to show up. But she’d done such a good job stuffing them down, they were MIA.

  It wasn’t until she saw a young mother with a baby in a Snugli pack that she felt her eyes ache and then tear up. Inhaling deeply and looking away helped. She’d way underestimated the flood of images of her father, family photographs she’d seen growing up and then cherished when he was gone. She knew what he’d say, what he’d be thinking if he were here. And she felt ashamed she was even considering the cruel alternative—something she was sure she’d regret the rest of her life.

  At home that night, she put the brochure into the top drawer next to her bed and tucked it away, deciding for now she was going to put it all out of her mind. The first person she would tell was going to be here in a week. Then she’d go from there.

  Alex was coming in on the eight-thirty direct flight from San Diego. She needed to pee again as she shifted her balance between feet, her hands tucked into her fleece jacket pockets. She didn’t want to appear nervous, but she couldn’t stop from sweating, and her breathing hitched unevenly as if she couldn’t get enough air. Her mouth was parched. Her stomach lurched when she watched his plane land. She dug her hands out, placing them on the glass divider, leaving foggy handprints from her heat as she examined the string of passengers exiting the plane.

  There was no mistaking Alex from everyone else around him. Not the tallest of men, he was certainly the best built, and with his sharp dark features and strong jawline, he was the one people noticed. Men moved away from him, giving him a wide berth, as if knowing what he did for a living. Women did double takes, sometimes whispering to the person beside them. It would forever be hard for Alex to walk into a room and not make the whole place sigh. She imagined him dressed to the nines, wearing a tux.

  His long gait made fast work of the distance between them. His smile warmed her whole body. She held back the tears and regretted she couldn’t just run and tell him about the pregnancy. Sydney was going to have to pretend everything was status quo until the right time. Playing this little game of hide and seek, which might have been thrilling in their past encounters as the sparks engulfed them, now felt dishonest. She had always been so sure of herself. Now she had to do the right thing, whatever that was, and worry she’d send him away, never to return.

  In the warm embrace and the chaste kiss at the side of her face when he entered the lobby of the airport, she lost herself in the scent of the man she ached to love. She hated the barriers that now loomed large between them.

  “Welcome back,” she whispered, her arm wrapped around his waist, her head leaning into his shoulder.

  His answer shocked her. “Thanks.”

  Not, It’s good to be back, or Missed you.

  “Where are you parked?” His voice was warm, but efficient. Something was wrong. A wave of nausea began at the pit of her stomach as her spine became stiff, her skin clammy, and her emotions prickly. Underneath it all was not only dread, but anger.

  She handed him the keys, and he opened the door for her, placing his large bag in the second seat. Walking around to the driver’s door, she saw through the windshield he was staring off into the distance and his left eye was narrowed, his lips pursed.

  Instinctively she lay her hands against her stomach, willing it to stop flip-flopping between excitement and nausea. As soon as he’d strapped in and turned on the engine, she removed her hands and breathed in a wish upon that star that had always done so well for her. She didn’t know what she was praying or wishing for. It was just a thought.

  Please.

  Alex cleared his throat. “Sydney, I have some things to bring to Nick. We didn’t talk about arrangements, so they have the bunkhouse set up for me.”

  She whi
pped her head around, storm clouds brewing just above her eyebrows. “You’re staying there? But I thought—”

  He pulled over to the curb. They had neared the toll gate exit from the parking lot. He got out his wallet.

  “It’s free.” She handed him the ticket. “Just give him this.”

  Their eyes made contact as he pulled the ticket from her fingers. Too late she’d discovered she was holding onto the paper, and he had to do a last minute tug.

  His eyes softened before he answered her. “I know how busy you are. I just thought it would be easier.”

  She broke away and peered out the windshield at a pretty blue sky and green vineyard day, at a world that was moving along so normally. And she wasn’t a part of it. The disappointment and anger building made it easy to control the tears that had been threatening. She didn’t look at him when she answered, “We’ve not seen each other for over a month. You’ve been overseas on a dangerous mission you can’t talk about. I’ve been working hard to focus on the training and all that supports it. These were the goals we stated when you left. These were the things we said we wanted to accomplish when we spoke on the phone.”

  He was heading to the toll booth, rolling down the window, when she turned to him and asked, “What’s changed?”

  He continued through the frontage road, towards the direction of the freeway. “I didn’t want you to feel like you had to entertain me.”

  “And why not? You didn’t seem to mind last time you were here.” She held back the venom she was feeling.

  His chuckle began to melt her frostiness. “No, that’s true, Sydney. Those were some mighty wonderful times, and I think of them often.” She saw his smile in profile.

  “So where’s the but?”

  “I didn’t want you to feel obligated, you know, just in case—”

  “Just in case I’d changed my mind about seeing you? You honestly think that would be anywhere within the realm of possibility? Alex, just level with me. Have you changed your mind? What am I missing here?”