SEAL's Promise - Bad Boys of SEAL Team 3, Book 01 Page 9

  On the way home, she asked him to stop. “Can we have a little talk?”

  He pulled to a gravel shoulder on the road that wound through the foothills, angled the car toward the bay and turned it off.

  “Shoot.”

  She adjusted herself to face him, bending the knee closest to him, but she stayed on her side of the front seat of his truck. “I meant what I said a couple of nights ago. I’m a good listener, a good friend. I’m not looking for anything long term.”

  “Gretchen—”

  “Hear me out, T.J. What’s wrong with a little recreational sex and some cuddling? You might find you like it. We might find a way to heal ourselves somehow.”

  “I don’t think I can be fixed, Gretchen.” He didn’t want to look at her because he didn’t feel worthy of even her friendship. He couldn’t believe he was not interested in the “recreational sex” part. How much he had changed. Now the idea of using Gretchen to heal his loneliness or take the edge off his sexual desires made him sick.

  He couldn’t pretend with her. It wasn’t right.

  “T.J. look at me,” she whispered.

  He did. She was pretty, and she was totally willing. He could have kissed her, done far more, and she would have let him.

  “Am I so bad to look at, such poor company?” Her smile was sweet, her eyes innocent and he couldn’t go there.

  She was on him in a flash, her fingers clutching the back of his neck, pulling him into her, her lips ravenous over his. She was going to move onto his lap, but he stopped her, holding her by the upper arms, stiffly.

  “I can’t, Gretchen. I just can’t.”

  Her nervous laughter wounded him. “And here I thought you were the bad boy. Kate told me all about you, although she was careful to edit.”

  He smiled at hearing about his reputation.

  “Yeah, well don’t believe everything you hear. There are some things I’m not especially proud of.”

  “What about Shannon?” she asked.

  “That chapter hasn’t been written.”

  She watched him squirm. “You two dated a little, Tyler says.”

  “You could call it that.”

  Gretchen leaned forward, turned his face toward her. T.J. was wary, but he felt she wasn’t interested in coming on to him. “Holy cow, you’re sweet on her, aren’t you?”

  He tried to smile, but it was awkward. Involuntarily he looked away as his eyes filled with water.

  “Oh. My. God. T.J. You’ve been hiding this. From everyone.”

  “No one to tell.” He was glad Tyler hadn’t broken his confidence.

  “Does she know?”

  There was that question. At least it was one he could answer. “Oh, yes, she surely does know.”

  “When does she come home?” Gretchen asked.

  “Home? She hasn’t told me. But I guess in the next couple of days. She’s probably going to move away.”

  “Are you going to try to change her mind?”

  He considered that statement. Was he going to try? Hadn’t he tried already with zero results? “I don’t think I can, Gretchen. Not sure that’s possible.”

  “She’s nuts. She’d be crazy not to want to come home to you. You’ve got to go for broke, T.J. You’ve got to make a stand. Don’t let her get away.”

  “Gretchen, I love your optimism. But haven’t you heard that saying, ‘You can lead a horse to water…’”

  “Is that how you got through BUD/S training? Is that how you do it when you go overseas?”

  He had to admit she was right. That wasn’t how he did it. They all had a plan. They had missions to accomplish. They didn’t sit there and let insurgents and enemies come after them, they took the fight to them. They openly protected the people they were sent to watch over.

  “You didn’t ring that bell, T.J. Why are you going to ring it now?”

  Holy fuck, she was completely right. He’d given up. He shook his head. What a dumb ass he’d been. Slinking around, feeling sorry for himself.

  “Gretchen? I think I love you.”

  She giggled, and it made his heart sing.

  “God I wish you could have said that earlier. I might have kept my big mouth shut.”

  He hugged her, kissing the side of her face. “I think you’re the first woman I’ve told that to who hasn’t had sex with me first.”

  “Then I take that as a compliment, T.J. And if Shannon is nuts enough not to fall into your arms, well, I’m not ashamed to say I wouldn’t mind being a welcome distraction. I think I could do make-up sex pretty good, although I’ve never tried.”

  “I’ll bet you could,” he said.

  He realized now what he had to do. He had to fight for Shannon. With everything in his being, he had to fight to keep her. Because it was a matter of life or death.

  Chapter Fourteen

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  SHANNON FLEW BACK to San Diego, and the heaviness in her chest increasing the closer they got to landing. Joe met her at the airport, asking about her stay with her folks and how they were. She knew it was just small talk, because Joe had called several times while she was gone to inquire about her. She knew her mother had told them Shannon was considering a move back home.

  Joe helped her with her bag, bringing it up the shallow steps to the front porch. One of the reasons she liked this house was the way the little concrete steps had been colored red. The concrete had been stained before it was poured, forever committed to that rosy hue. The heavy oak door had a small window in the center of it, covered by Spanish wrought iron detail. She’d loved this door and the way it protected her home inside.

  She was surprised it still felt like her home. Or their home. Hers and Frankie’s. And the home where T.J. had told her he loved her, the safe place where she’d learned that she could go on.

  Joe quietly stayed behind her, allowing her entry, and without stepping inside himself, set her bag down on the wood floor and said his goodbyes, promising to look in on her tomorrow.

  “You’ve gotten much bigger this week. Are you comfortable?” he asked.

  “Not quite uncomfortable yet, still able to sleep, thank God. But soon. It will get dicey soon.” She decided not to bring up her move.

  She listened to the creaking of the floorboards, took in the way the house smelled. A large bouquet of red roses was on the dining table. Her fingers were trembling as she plucked the little card from its holder and read T.J.’s inscription.

  Missed you more than I thought possible.

  I know we have to talk. But just know that I love you.

  She rubbed her forefinger over the words he’d carefully inscribed. This was going to be more difficult than she thought.

  The doors to the master bedroom and the baby’s room were closed. She smelled cleaning agents and realized someone had gone all-out to prepare for her return to this house, prepared it as though she was going to stay. The windows had been washed. Area rugs had been cleaned, and larger ones freshly vacuumed.

  Opening the door to her bedroom, she looked outside at the play house T.J. and Joe had put together only two weeks ago. Someone had planted flowers all around the little house, as if she were staying. And she could just see a tiny table with a miniature tea set inside.

  A small wading pool with pink mermaids on it and fresh, clean water filling it, with a child’s seahorse life preserver bobbing up and down in the shallow water. Ready for Courtney…in about a year. There was a two-bucket swing set installed at the side of the yard. An old-fashioned bench swing with green canvas canopy sat under her maple tree, with a couple of new flowered pillows on top. Everywhere she looked, a bit of magic had been added, painted, or enhanced by colorful plantings.

  She went back inside and felt like she was coming back to a lovely familiar dream. If a house could love the people who lived in it, this one did. Just as Frankie had. Just as T.J.—she had to stop thinking about him, or it would be more difficult to continue with what she’d decided to do.

  Pulling her rollin
g suitcase down the hallway, she unpacked, put the clothes in the washing machine, and turned it on. She took a long shower, washing her hair, getting all the dirt and grime of airports and travel off of her skin.

  After rubbing her hair with the fluffy white towels Frankie had bought, she combed it out and secured it with an antique clip, and then slipped on her favorite nightgown, noticing her belly almost didn’t fit now. In her bare feet, she made herself a tall glass of ice water with mostly ice. The refrigerator was fully stocked with food. Fresh vegetables and fruit in baggies tucked neatly away. Two steaks marinated in a covered glass dish. Was she looking in on a fictional couple? Or was this part of her life?

  She took her glass back down the hallway to Courtney’s room. The mysterious welcoming committee had glued her daughter’s name to the door in multicolored wooden letters. She brushed over the letters with her fingers, and then opened the door.

  A bouquet of light pink roses, short-stemmed, sat on the baby’s changing table and permeated the air with their sweet fragrance. Above the table, a framed poster was hung, inscribed with the words,

  May you touch dragonflies and stars,

  Dance with Fairies and talk to the moon.

  May you grow up with love and gracious hearts,

  And people who care.

  Welcome to the world, little one.

  It’s been waiting for you. We’ve been waiting for you.

  She walked over to the roses, and touched the letters on the poster. They were hard to read, because her eyes had filled and tears were streaming down her cheeks. She sniffled, overcome by the message T.J. had left for her daughter, the man she had decided to leave for…for what?

  She wiped tears from her cheeks with the backs of her hands, then reached up to touch the words again, like she was touching his face, the man she had decided to leave behind, like her pencil scratch in the costume closet at the theater. Except this wasn’t a memory. This was real time.

  “I thought maybe you’d like it.” T.J.’s voice filled the room, wrapping around her, with that warm, familiar cadence, snagging her heart, squeezing tight, and not letting go. “I have to admit, I got some help from Kate and Gretchen. They helped me pick it out.”

  She turned to find him leaning against the doorway. His long, muscular legs encased in blue jeans above bare feet, a light blue shirt opened to his tanned chest, revealing more muscles than he had a right to. His hips were cocked at an angle, his hands jammed into his front pockets. With his dark hair and blue eyes, the need written all over his face, he was a package she hadn’t been prepared for.

  “It’s beautiful, T.J.”

  “I could say the same about you.”

  He didn’t come over to her, but his eyes drank up the sight of her like it was the last time he’d see her.

  He nodded to her flannel nightie, “I see you’re not quite ready to entertain company. Perhaps I should come back another time, then?”

  “Don’t be silly. You’re here.”

  “Yes, I am, Shannon. I’m here. But where are you?”

  She examined her bare toes. She’d had them done in pink again. Her eyes began to tear up. Where was she? It was a good question.

  “You can barely fit into that nightgown,” he whispered.

  “Watch it.” She gave him a smirk and was rewarded with a tiny smile.

  “But I love how you look, so full. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Shannon. I mean that.”

  She rested her hands on her stomach. “Never thought I’d need to be reassured.”

  “Oh, honey, I intend to remind you every day and all night long.” His eyes pierced the veneer of her tough outer shell. She took in a deep breath and then walked over to him. “We should talk.”

  He reared back a step. “We will. But I’ve got something to say first, Shannon.”

  The distance between them felt achingly like the Grand Canyon.

  “I love you, Shannon. I love that baby you’re carrying. Whatever you’re going to tell me next, I just want you to know that before we start.” He looked down at his feet and then pleaded with his eyes. “And I’ve missed you. God, I’ve missed you.”

  It was natural to be drawn into his powerful arms, as she stepped in to feel him against her. He was careful. He simply held her tight, massaging the back of her neck at the top of her spine. She could hear his heart beating, strong and true. The sound of his breath surging in and out of his chest cavity washed over her like the soothing sounds of waves at the ocean.

  There was something she had been protecting—what was it, anyway?—and now that protection was falling away. She felt herself open up to him again, and discovered the careful, familiar reassurance that all was well. In his arms, all was well.

  That’s when it hit her. She’d been shielding her heart. As she looked up at him, as his lips found hers, she knew she didn’t have to steel herself against the pain of losing again, losing what she so desperately wanted.

  He was respectful and chaste with his kiss, allowing her to lead. His hands came up to cup her face as he kissed her again, this time deep, but still tender. “Missed you, baby,” he whispered to her lips.

  She unwound from him. “Come. We need to talk, T.J.” She took his left hand and led him to the living room, and then turned to offer him the couch, before she sat next to him. She became self-conscious of her wet hair, but she saw in his eyes that he loved her just the way she was. It was not conditional.

  “Why, why did you do all this, T.J.?”

  “That’s an easy question to answer. Because I love you. Because I’m all in. I think the more important question is, what are your plans, and do they include me?”

  She cocked her head to the side, lowering her gaze, not wanting to look up at him. He took it well. He straightened his back, sitting across from her, the leather couch groaning under his huge frame. He reacted like he’d been given an order, his chest filled, allowing the oxygen of his heavy breathing to calm him. It was what he did when he was nervous.

  “I’ve been trying to sort it all out. Confused, here. I came home with one thing in mind, and now I don’t know—”

  “Well, Shannon, you’re going to have to tell me to pack it up and quit, because not texting me or calling me back, or feeling confused, aren’t going to cut it. You’re gonna have to tell me to stop loving you, because I’m not going to unless you demand that of me.”

  “T.J., don’t,” she pleaded. But what did she really expect him to do? Of course he would react this way.

  “Honey, I’m trying to understand. Did I come on too fast, too strong? Did I push you? Or is it that you don’t like me, or is there someone else? Because I don’t understand why you won’t grab that big brass ring, that juice of life we have here, and go for it.”

  “That’s what I’m trying to do. I thought maybe going home, back to where I was raised, would be good for me and for Courtney.”

  “Away from me, you mean? You want away from me? What have I done to make you want to run away? All I’ve done is love you, honey. Make me understand, please.”

  “I thought it would be good to go home, back to a place where I had happy childhood memories.”

  “So this isn’t your home? This place. You and Frankie bought it right before you got married. I heard you say you never wanted to move. Ever.”

  “That was when Frankie was here with me.”

  T.J. nodded. “Well, that’s true. I’m not Frankie, Shannon. No one will replace Frankie. You’ll never find that, honey.”

  “I don’t want to live in the past, T.J.”

  “Isn’t that what going home is all about? This was your life. This was Frankie’s life. These were the men and women he loved. His community.” He looked up at the ceiling. “Oh, God, Shannon, I was hoping maybe I’d gotten it wrong somehow, but now I can see, you’re just not that into me. As hard as it is, I know I have to accept that and move on.”

  He still wasn’t leaving. He turned and asked her, “Is there anyone
else?”

  “No. For heaven’s sake, no!”

  “Then, can I ask you another question?”

  “Fair enough.”

  “Are you going home or running away?”

  He was right. She was running away.

  “This place, this community scares me,” she had to swallow because her voice wobbled. “Reminds me of what’s changed. It’s like I’ll never be able to escape. I’ll never be on my own.”

  T.J. chuckled at that.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “You don’t understand diddly about being alone. I’ve been alone my whole fuckin’ life and never knew I’d missed anything until I found the SEAL family here. Do you know what it’s like living in a community of people who would gladly die for you?”

  He abruptly stood, walked around the couch and pointed down the hallway to Courtney’s room.

  “We do that. We make it so there are dragonflies and angels and fairies.”

  She quickly turned her back to him, weeping softly, but not wanting to show him her tears.

  He came back, standing in front of her seated body, now uncomfortable because the baby was kicking up a storm as if wanting to be heard.

  “You think it over, Shannon. Say the word, and I won’t bother you again.”

  She was shocked at her own mixture of feelings. She’d been so set on her course, she hadn’t prepared herself for the change of heart she was clearly having. Shannon hadn’t considered this part, hadn’t envisioned it.

  He put his hand on the front door handle, and suddenly the importance of his leaving woke her up. Had she been cat-napping through life? The door he was offering her could give her the world. And she was giving it up…for what? So she could be independent? She could do it on her own, but was that reason enough to do it on her own?

  She knew the answer to that. And she knew she’d fallen for this hero the moment she’d kissed him. And now she was being a complete fool.

  His hulking frame filled the whole doorway as he prepared to step outside and out of her life forever.